Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
