Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i drank out of a bidet.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
