Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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