I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
