I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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