What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
