I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize