Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
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