The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
