my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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