Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
