and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
