Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
