I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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