I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
