I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
