are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
