I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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