i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
