Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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