I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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