I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
