Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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