I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
