working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
