I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
