I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
