I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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