I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
