1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
