Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
