Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
if only i could text you this smell
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
