everyone is single if you try hard enough
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
