I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
