My friends, they love my intelligence
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
May the power of my ass compel you!!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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