Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
