Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
