i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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