The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
