Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
