I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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