That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
