i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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