Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
