I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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