i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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