were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
