hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
