I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
