Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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