why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
