the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Operation Purity has been aborted
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize