Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
