Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
