you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
