I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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