to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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